What should I DO?!

Okayy ! I’m wayy too pissed and emo to think and write properly. I don’t get her anymore. WTF are you doing? You don’t find me no more, reply me no more. Do you even know about my existence anymore?! It’s like Day One again. It was you who said to be good friends and look what’s happening now. I am trying my hardest to control my feelings and talk to you, pretending nothing happened. You know how hard that is? Pretending you never loved a person, when you really do. I could bear anything from you, except you leaving me. What have i done wrong? Am i not your type? You just can’t make yourself to love me? TELL ME!! I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ! 10 out of 10 friends of mine told me to give up on you, start again. All of them told me almost the same reasons. ”She don’t love you like you love her”. ”She just wants you by her side but not accepting you”. ”She’s just playing with ya”. Speaking of which, i met my old friend from Ipoh just today and when i told him about my story, He told me the exact same thing ! ”Give up la bro, i just don’t want to see you suffer like this anymore. There’s tons of better girls out there. Why her?”

You know what? The saddest thing of all is I know about all these. I know them deep down inside my heart but i kept lying to myself. Lying to myself telling me that i still got a chance, that it’s just because of SPM, of her parents ! It’s the only way i could sleep at night. It’s the only way i could still smile and be ME ! I’m sick of people asking me, ”So what are you going to do now?” i told you, I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA! I can’t even bring myself to like another girl. Even if i were to find another girl, it would be cause i want to forget about her or even worse, to replace her. Like what Eda, a friend of mine, said, ”If your mind and body doesn’t want to, no matter what you do, you won’t do it !”.

I really want to ask her about all these but i know it’s not gonna be pleasant. There’s no happy ending after this. I saw in her Facebook profile that she’s coming to KL today with her mum and cousins. I’ve been waiting for her reply since 2pm till now. What am i to her now? This ”girl” is no longer the one i once knew. She’s gone. Where is she now?

I remember all the past memories, both pleasant and unpleasant ones, i had with her. How i met her, what’s her hobbies, what’s her favorite food, what i did for her. I could write everything down now if you want. I bet she doesn’t remember a single thing about me. I’m just like a toy now. Played with, bored, sick of, kept still but no longer important. I wish there’s an explanation but it’s not gonna be what i’ve expected. I guess I’ll just have myself to blame for all these, for giving myself false hope, for not being a better person, for loving her too much.

I just dreamt of her today. She cried and ran away from me. I quickly grabbed her and hugged her. There i knew, i love her a lot and i still do. But, i no longer can see the picture of us being together anymore. It’s just so blur now.

What should i do?! FML

*copied from Tumblr*