Piece of mua MIND !

I suddenly have this urge to blog and so here i am. I'm seriously going out of my mind here. It's like i can't control my feelings anymore, can't even make up my mind. As day by day passed, we grew more apart. I tried to forget you. That was initially my choice of action but to be honest, I felt worse than i am now. I don't want that. I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT ! My wish is simple. I just want to be together with you. I want it to be like last time. I want us to be close again. I want you to say that you love me too. I'm ready to give everything for that. I'm sorry that i always 'lat' you, I'm sorry that i always 'fuhin' you, I'm sorry that i always 'doubt' you ! But do you know why i did all that? I just want you to notice me. I'm afraid of losing you. So here i am, reminiscing, afraid of losing even those sweet memories.

I might be waiting but if this daily 'routine' continues, even if I waited until you finished SPM, you won't even look at me anymore. Are your FB posts for me? or is it for someone else? That you have found someone else? What can i do to have you beside me again?

It's kinda embarrassing for a guy to keep blogging emo stuffs but I can't have it any other way. Silly me !

Please give me an answer. Am i worth your time? Do it not for me but for your own.

I'm sorry for everything !

The Truth

C = Carl
B = Bella

C :
rephrase your question
dont und

B :
the emo post the girl
u saying
the SHE

C :
no ar.. is you!
LOL.. of cause its her la

B :
ci sin
hahah
i tot u give up
give up la
hais she really not suitable for u

C :
i didn’t
read my blog.. then you’ll und abit my feeling
i cant bring myself to give up

B :
lol
well , i just turn on the tape and i forget to turn off.
hais
i am not in a well situation
but urs worse

C :
wat happen?
lol

B :
ur words
touched me
hais
lol
u make me emo too
hais
the reason
u know
eugene said he is waiting too
lol spm
fuck la
aiks
idk

C :
eugene lau?
i know..

B :
he could be fuck up if he cnt get her back
like he really could
lol

C :
so your meaning is i should let her go and give eugene the chance?

B :
i dint mean that
i just told u what he said

C :
that ain’t helping
eugene told you?

B :
yes
hais
never tot of helping
this kind of stuff cnt cure one

C :
i know..
does she really like eugene?

B :
i think yes
her notebook
every 14th she marked a <3
i asked her before
how u know the relation wont hooked up
she is confidence that she dumb him not he dumb her
erm

C :
then me?
have she said anything about me?
to you..

B :
u not suitable lo
always latt her
find things argue
many things
but same point

C :
ic..
how u know the relation wont hooked up
she is confidence that she dumb him not he dumb her
i dont und this part

B :
bcus she had marked up every 14th
like every 14th gonna celebrate
and what if the relationship broke up
it means she never tot of that
und>
’?.

C :
means she never tot of their relationship will break la
right?

B :
yes

C :
hehehe..
okayy le…
und abit jo.. keke :D

B :
hais]]
sry
my mind abit mess up too

C :
hahaha
nothing la..

Sowwee for the broken Engrish !! HAHAHAHA dude, can someone remind me why am i laughing?! or am i not…. I’m crying…

*copied from Tumblr*

What should I DO?!

Okayy ! I’m wayy too pissed and emo to think and write properly. I don’t get her anymore. WTF are you doing? You don’t find me no more, reply me no more. Do you even know about my existence anymore?! It’s like Day One again. It was you who said to be good friends and look what’s happening now. I am trying my hardest to control my feelings and talk to you, pretending nothing happened. You know how hard that is? Pretending you never loved a person, when you really do. I could bear anything from you, except you leaving me. What have i done wrong? Am i not your type? You just can’t make yourself to love me? TELL ME!! I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ! 10 out of 10 friends of mine told me to give up on you, start again. All of them told me almost the same reasons. ”She don’t love you like you love her”. ”She just wants you by her side but not accepting you”. ”She’s just playing with ya”. Speaking of which, i met my old friend from Ipoh just today and when i told him about my story, He told me the exact same thing ! ”Give up la bro, i just don’t want to see you suffer like this anymore. There’s tons of better girls out there. Why her?”

You know what? The saddest thing of all is I know about all these. I know them deep down inside my heart but i kept lying to myself. Lying to myself telling me that i still got a chance, that it’s just because of SPM, of her parents ! It’s the only way i could sleep at night. It’s the only way i could still smile and be ME ! I’m sick of people asking me, ”So what are you going to do now?” i told you, I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA! I can’t even bring myself to like another girl. Even if i were to find another girl, it would be cause i want to forget about her or even worse, to replace her. Like what Eda, a friend of mine, said, ”If your mind and body doesn’t want to, no matter what you do, you won’t do it !”.

I really want to ask her about all these but i know it’s not gonna be pleasant. There’s no happy ending after this. I saw in her Facebook profile that she’s coming to KL today with her mum and cousins. I’ve been waiting for her reply since 2pm till now. What am i to her now? This ”girl” is no longer the one i once knew. She’s gone. Where is she now?

I remember all the past memories, both pleasant and unpleasant ones, i had with her. How i met her, what’s her hobbies, what’s her favorite food, what i did for her. I could write everything down now if you want. I bet she doesn’t remember a single thing about me. I’m just like a toy now. Played with, bored, sick of, kept still but no longer important. I wish there’s an explanation but it’s not gonna be what i’ve expected. I guess I’ll just have myself to blame for all these, for giving myself false hope, for not being a better person, for loving her too much.

I just dreamt of her today. She cried and ran away from me. I quickly grabbed her and hugged her. There i knew, i love her a lot and i still do. But, i no longer can see the picture of us being together anymore. It’s just so blur now.

What should i do?! FML

*copied from Tumblr*

Blogger FTW !

I still prefer Blogger over Tumblr for blogging and i have returned ! Hail me now. :D