Tired..

27/4/2012 - 9.39PM

I don't know why but I feel like blogging. I wanted to just tweet about it but I don't want people to see. So I think this is the best place right now. I tend to get so emotional and moody whenever I'm SO TIRED. I just get so bitchy/selfish and don't give a fuck about anything. Everything seems so negative all of a sudden.

I'm getting sick of all these dramas happening everywhere. She started hating her, He started hating her, She started hating him. =.=' I'm so tired of being nice already. There's a limit to how much I can help and when it's over the limit, the JERK me comes out. It's actually MY problem. I don't mind sacrificing myself and help but when I'm at my limit, I think too much. Too much of unnecessary things. And then, it looks like I'm blaming others. Sometimes, I just want to sit there and wait for people to help me instead. I'm still a human. I want back what I gave away. Compliments, support, assistance. Just all of you being with me will be enough. Sometimes I even ask myself why am I so nice. Haha. In the end, I'm burdening myself and no one will know what I did. I'm sorry. But if you don't think I'm nice, then FUCK OFF!

Sometimes, I get moody too if I can't help anyone. That useless feeling. It's unbearable. I can't stand people that I care about being upset especially you. The reason why I want to know what happened is not because I'm curious or anything. It's just I want to help you anyhow or just to KNOW you. Sorry that I rushed you.

Perasan Jing... LOL it's been long since I've been one again. After all that's happened, I can't afford to be one anymore. I don't want to expect more. I don't want to give myself hope. It hurts me greatly to expect so much but don't get it. This 'phobia' I call it, is there. It's not that my observation is bad or what. I suck in this 'Game' called Love. I'm always the loser. Loser for 19 years now. It hurts even more because I expected too much. Just cause I thought I'm not that bad-looking and I'm nice. That's when everything starts to go wrong. When I hope for more and don't get it, I get so impatient and rush things, FORCE a mindset into them that they start to hate me. In the end, I will just cockblock myself and lose. Sometimes, even compliments won't get to me after all these 'failed attempts'. If you want to boast on how good you are in this game, NOT A FUCK WILL BE GIVEN BY ME.

That's the reason why I want to hear the truth from your mouth instead of others. I won't believe anything other than those coming out from your mouth because it's you that matters. Friends going, 'She likes you lah, take action lah.' just gets me to expect more and I ALWAYS don't get it. You want to see an example? Take a look at what's happening now. That's why I asked those questions. But it's still going bad.

Falling in love for me is like falling into Hell and it takes everything I have just to escape from there. Sometimes, it's not that I give up or anything, the fucking exit just closes on its own. It's hard. Don't blame me. Right not, I just want more. I need 'fuel' from you to get me going. Once you stopped giving me 'fuel', that's when I stop as well. Now I'm just using my own 'fake fuel' which kills me to keep myself going. It destroys my 'car' everytime I do it so there's a fine limit to how much I can use.

'You're making progress, they say. It'll come soon enough, they say.' Bullshits.

I'm tired. I'm so sick. I'm dying...

There's so much to tell, but too little opportunities. That's LIFE for me !

I'm starting to forget what I want to write because there's too much. LOL I guess I'll end it here. Will blog again when I remember. :P

Sorry if this offends anyone but I just want to say it out. To at least release a little the stress I've been carrying. To feel better.

Piece of mua MIND !

I suddenly have this urge to blog and so here i am. I'm seriously going out of my mind here. It's like i can't control my feelings anymore, can't even make up my mind. As day by day passed, we grew more apart. I tried to forget you. That was initially my choice of action but to be honest, I felt worse than i am now. I don't want that. I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT ! My wish is simple. I just want to be together with you. I want it to be like last time. I want us to be close again. I want you to say that you love me too. I'm ready to give everything for that. I'm sorry that i always 'lat' you, I'm sorry that i always 'fuhin' you, I'm sorry that i always 'doubt' you ! But do you know why i did all that? I just want you to notice me. I'm afraid of losing you. So here i am, reminiscing, afraid of losing even those sweet memories.

I might be waiting but if this daily 'routine' continues, even if I waited until you finished SPM, you won't even look at me anymore. Are your FB posts for me? or is it for someone else? That you have found someone else? What can i do to have you beside me again?

It's kinda embarrassing for a guy to keep blogging emo stuffs but I can't have it any other way. Silly me !

Please give me an answer. Am i worth your time? Do it not for me but for your own.

I'm sorry for everything !

The Truth

C = Carl
B = Bella

C :
rephrase your question
dont und

B :
the emo post the girl
u saying
the SHE

C :
no ar.. is you!
LOL.. of cause its her la

B :
ci sin
hahah
i tot u give up
give up la
hais she really not suitable for u

C :
i didn’t
read my blog.. then you’ll und abit my feeling
i cant bring myself to give up

B :
lol
well , i just turn on the tape and i forget to turn off.
hais
i am not in a well situation
but urs worse

C :
wat happen?
lol

B :
ur words
touched me
hais
lol
u make me emo too
hais
the reason
u know
eugene said he is waiting too
lol spm
fuck la
aiks
idk

C :
eugene lau?
i know..

B :
he could be fuck up if he cnt get her back
like he really could
lol

C :
so your meaning is i should let her go and give eugene the chance?

B :
i dint mean that
i just told u what he said

C :
that ain’t helping
eugene told you?

B :
yes
hais
never tot of helping
this kind of stuff cnt cure one

C :
i know..
does she really like eugene?

B :
i think yes
her notebook
every 14th she marked a <3
i asked her before
how u know the relation wont hooked up
she is confidence that she dumb him not he dumb her
erm

C :
then me?
have she said anything about me?
to you..

B :
u not suitable lo
always latt her
find things argue
many things
but same point

C :
ic..
how u know the relation wont hooked up
she is confidence that she dumb him not he dumb her
i dont und this part

B :
bcus she had marked up every 14th
like every 14th gonna celebrate
and what if the relationship broke up
it means she never tot of that
und>
’?.

C :
means she never tot of their relationship will break la
right?

B :
yes

C :
hehehe..
okayy le…
und abit jo.. keke :D

B :
hais]]
sry
my mind abit mess up too

C :
hahaha
nothing la..

Sowwee for the broken Engrish !! HAHAHAHA dude, can someone remind me why am i laughing?! or am i not…. I’m crying…

*copied from Tumblr*

What should I DO?!

Okayy ! I’m wayy too pissed and emo to think and write properly. I don’t get her anymore. WTF are you doing? You don’t find me no more, reply me no more. Do you even know about my existence anymore?! It’s like Day One again. It was you who said to be good friends and look what’s happening now. I am trying my hardest to control my feelings and talk to you, pretending nothing happened. You know how hard that is? Pretending you never loved a person, when you really do. I could bear anything from you, except you leaving me. What have i done wrong? Am i not your type? You just can’t make yourself to love me? TELL ME!! I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ! 10 out of 10 friends of mine told me to give up on you, start again. All of them told me almost the same reasons. ”She don’t love you like you love her”. ”She just wants you by her side but not accepting you”. ”She’s just playing with ya”. Speaking of which, i met my old friend from Ipoh just today and when i told him about my story, He told me the exact same thing ! ”Give up la bro, i just don’t want to see you suffer like this anymore. There’s tons of better girls out there. Why her?”

You know what? The saddest thing of all is I know about all these. I know them deep down inside my heart but i kept lying to myself. Lying to myself telling me that i still got a chance, that it’s just because of SPM, of her parents ! It’s the only way i could sleep at night. It’s the only way i could still smile and be ME ! I’m sick of people asking me, ”So what are you going to do now?” i told you, I HAVE NOT A FUCKING IDEA! I can’t even bring myself to like another girl. Even if i were to find another girl, it would be cause i want to forget about her or even worse, to replace her. Like what Eda, a friend of mine, said, ”If your mind and body doesn’t want to, no matter what you do, you won’t do it !”.

I really want to ask her about all these but i know it’s not gonna be pleasant. There’s no happy ending after this. I saw in her Facebook profile that she’s coming to KL today with her mum and cousins. I’ve been waiting for her reply since 2pm till now. What am i to her now? This ”girl” is no longer the one i once knew. She’s gone. Where is she now?

I remember all the past memories, both pleasant and unpleasant ones, i had with her. How i met her, what’s her hobbies, what’s her favorite food, what i did for her. I could write everything down now if you want. I bet she doesn’t remember a single thing about me. I’m just like a toy now. Played with, bored, sick of, kept still but no longer important. I wish there’s an explanation but it’s not gonna be what i’ve expected. I guess I’ll just have myself to blame for all these, for giving myself false hope, for not being a better person, for loving her too much.

I just dreamt of her today. She cried and ran away from me. I quickly grabbed her and hugged her. There i knew, i love her a lot and i still do. But, i no longer can see the picture of us being together anymore. It’s just so blur now.

What should i do?! FML

*copied from Tumblr*

Blogger FTW !

I still prefer Blogger over Tumblr for blogging and i have returned ! Hail me now. :D

Twitter

I just signed up to Twitter.. Credits to Adrian for making me curious about Twitter in his blog.. hahaha

Anyway, check me out.. STILL NEW THOU! Follow me and I'll FOLLOW YOUUU!!
http://twitter.com/MachineCheong


Twitter do what wan?! =.='

Rain IS ba*ahemm* not back! Carl IS... hehe

WOWWWW... how long have i been missing huh? haha.. after taking a quick look at Kenny's 'Funny' blog.. i have a sudden urge to revive my blog.. so CREDITS TO HIM..
So now you guys have something to see ady.. Happy?!

ALRIGHT! let's review a short summary of my life after so long.

Got THINNER!! wohooooo...
Got more handsome.. (own opinion MUAHAHAHA)
Got buffer... (Sunny YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!) going gym recently
Its 3.52pm now!
Practically, this is the 4 main things you peeps need to know for now.. KAKAKA but im that bad riteeeee?? IM VERY GOOD WAN MAH. <<< this makes it 5 main things ady... lolx

ohh yeahh.. just got Silver a.k.a 1st runner up a.k.a 2ND place at Leolympic for Basketball.. TOO BAD we cant get Gold. We lost our defending champion title ady (As we got gold last year) but NEHHHHMINDDD.. we 'let go water' oni. FONG SUIII! haha
and coz of that, i got a severe sunburn on the both arms and face plus neck. ISHHHH! giler painful.. Is the sun getting hotter or is it just me?

Planning to study at Kampar UTAR after a few attempts of persuasion from Jeremy Lam and Daviz Foo.. Dun blame me for becoming seafood after i went thr kay?! haha..

EPIC PHAIL on my love life.. well i've had that in mind ady.. PAST EXPERIENCES BABEH! so don't bother saying, 'HEY, CHEER UP LA' , 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'.. etc coz its not helping.. at least not for now!
Jackie Chan (Pablo Francisco) : LEAVE ME ALONE!
and Don't bother asking me what happened and shit.. I'll tell you if i want to.. NO MEANS NO!! not yes means no.. yes means yes, and no means yes no.. and no means yes yes no no.. no means yes means no means no means yes and YES!! im confused... =.='
PS : Am i even something in your heart? and yes, i choose not to! NITEX

i guess my Lameness skill drop a LITTLE since last time.. have not been using them ady.. SIGHHH!! but i still cant WALK! damnit... T.T

and I wish everyone luck on Wednesday (23/3/2011).. PLS dun alviss kong when u see ur results ya! at least i know i wont.. I will throw u guys down oni.. WHY SO STUPID WANNA JUMP WO?!

alright that's all i could think of for the moment! AT LEAST THERE'S SOMETHING U GUYS CAN KNOW ABOUT RITE? rmb..!! the 5 main things!! HAHAHA wanna know more about me? ASK ME and i'll try to blog about it.. if im bored enough la.. KEKE

stay tuned for more NEWS on CNN (Carl's News Network)..!!

For those of you who read this and don't even bother to comment and spread words about it, I WILL PERSONALLY KICK YOURRR ASS!!!........................................ in a game of snooker! TEEEHEEE!!

DEUCES- PEACE <3