Tired..

27/4/2012 - 9.39PM

I don't know why but I feel like blogging. I wanted to just tweet about it but I don't want people to see. So I think this is the best place right now. I tend to get so emotional and moody whenever I'm SO TIRED. I just get so bitchy/selfish and don't give a fuck about anything. Everything seems so negative all of a sudden.

I'm getting sick of all these dramas happening everywhere. She started hating her, He started hating her, She started hating him. =.=' I'm so tired of being nice already. There's a limit to how much I can help and when it's over the limit, the JERK me comes out. It's actually MY problem. I don't mind sacrificing myself and help but when I'm at my limit, I think too much. Too much of unnecessary things. And then, it looks like I'm blaming others. Sometimes, I just want to sit there and wait for people to help me instead. I'm still a human. I want back what I gave away. Compliments, support, assistance. Just all of you being with me will be enough. Sometimes I even ask myself why am I so nice. Haha. In the end, I'm burdening myself and no one will know what I did. I'm sorry. But if you don't think I'm nice, then FUCK OFF!

Sometimes, I get moody too if I can't help anyone. That useless feeling. It's unbearable. I can't stand people that I care about being upset especially you. The reason why I want to know what happened is not because I'm curious or anything. It's just I want to help you anyhow or just to KNOW you. Sorry that I rushed you.

Perasan Jing... LOL it's been long since I've been one again. After all that's happened, I can't afford to be one anymore. I don't want to expect more. I don't want to give myself hope. It hurts me greatly to expect so much but don't get it. This 'phobia' I call it, is there. It's not that my observation is bad or what. I suck in this 'Game' called Love. I'm always the loser. Loser for 19 years now. It hurts even more because I expected too much. Just cause I thought I'm not that bad-looking and I'm nice. That's when everything starts to go wrong. When I hope for more and don't get it, I get so impatient and rush things, FORCE a mindset into them that they start to hate me. In the end, I will just cockblock myself and lose. Sometimes, even compliments won't get to me after all these 'failed attempts'. If you want to boast on how good you are in this game, NOT A FUCK WILL BE GIVEN BY ME.

That's the reason why I want to hear the truth from your mouth instead of others. I won't believe anything other than those coming out from your mouth because it's you that matters. Friends going, 'She likes you lah, take action lah.' just gets me to expect more and I ALWAYS don't get it. You want to see an example? Take a look at what's happening now. That's why I asked those questions. But it's still going bad.

Falling in love for me is like falling into Hell and it takes everything I have just to escape from there. Sometimes, it's not that I give up or anything, the fucking exit just closes on its own. It's hard. Don't blame me. Right not, I just want more. I need 'fuel' from you to get me going. Once you stopped giving me 'fuel', that's when I stop as well. Now I'm just using my own 'fake fuel' which kills me to keep myself going. It destroys my 'car' everytime I do it so there's a fine limit to how much I can use.

'You're making progress, they say. It'll come soon enough, they say.' Bullshits.

I'm tired. I'm so sick. I'm dying...

There's so much to tell, but too little opportunities. That's LIFE for me !

I'm starting to forget what I want to write because there's too much. LOL I guess I'll end it here. Will blog again when I remember. :P

Sorry if this offends anyone but I just want to say it out. To at least release a little the stress I've been carrying. To feel better.